I think I used to be quite materialistic. I was all about designer labels and having something that no one else had. I think in psychiatry terms it would have been me filling a void in my relationship with pretty things to mask my disappointment in my life. Or I just really like pretty things. I still do, if I still had the money I would buy new shoes all the time. Although now the shopping habit has extended to stuff for Frankie. In fact now that I am on so much of a budget I would sooner get him something whilst I look like shit.
Totally digressed there. Soz. So now, I realise that life isn’t about material shit, it’s about a spontaneous kiss from a little boy who calls me mama. Or baba cos he thinks that’s just what we call each other. It’s about those beautiful sleepy cuddles. He won’t remember that he had the most awesome little Converse but he will remember that I was here for him. I appreciate a lot of people do have to work full time and also want to work full time but for me I just want to be with my boy. I didn’t think I’d be like that either but I can work when he goes to school, for now I wouldn’t trade the fact that I’ve been there for every single milestone for any amount of money.
I love him so much that he makes me broody, I just want more of him! But then I’m torn between us never being just the 2 of us again. I know we have Pete but for the most part it’s me and my buddy. But I guess the fun and love just increases. I fully understand why people have so many babies now. Cos they are awesome. And for me, they make everything worthwhile.
I just want to add that I am aware there is more to life than having babies and I fully understand why people choose not to have them but for someone who spent a long time trying to find a bit of self worth, bringing my little man into this world and imparting him with wisdom is what life is all about for me.
The title says it all really. I’m not sure anyone is that interested in my views on the most recent attack, but you’re gonna get them anyway.
I’m not so naive that I’ve seen other attacks and thought that they were too far away to affect me. I’ve been deeply affected by them all to be honest, in more ways than I realise sometimes. I can remember vividly the moments I learnt about each one since 9/11. And there wasn’t a day that went by when I lived in London and the tube was my transport that I didn’t think about the 7/7 bombings. Especially as my local station was Edgware Road. But I think the Manchester attack is something else and I think this is how a lot of people feel. This was a target against children. Fucking innocent children.
I have watched the news constantl to find out what’s happening and I just can’t stop the tears. Tears of sheer empathy for the most part. I can only imagine how these people feel and I can’t stop the tears. But also tears of guilt. Guilt for bringing a little boy into a world in which I can’t protect him.
I can’t help but feel angry that the hideous monster who did this has been named ahead of a lot of the innocent people who lost their lives. I want to know who they were so that I can mourn their loss in some small way. Their lives have been lost in vain, the least we can do is console their families in anyway possible. But there is no consolation. I cannot imagine the immense pain of those parents, siblings, loved ones and friends who knew that they were sending off their beloved to see their favourite pop star only to have them not come home. How the fuck is that fair?
I know my views aren’t particularly original and I’m not the first to say it but this shit is hard to deal with. The whole world has changed from when I was a kid and it’s a hard shift to deal with. To process. I feel an intense anger at the world and I needed to write it down.
We need more love. Hate breeds hate but fuck it’s hard to avoid isn’t it? Rest in Peace to those who lost their lives, all my love to those still here.
I think I’ve already expressed my thoughts about people being free and easy with their opinions on my parenting but the continuation of implying that I’m doing it wrong or “making a rod for my own back” is, quite frankly, starting to fuck me off.
Frankie gets up generally at 5.30am. Everyday. That is not because of my being soft on him. To be honest, the sweary rants that I have every morning at that time are beyond soft. I need to stop before he starts to say “fuck”. Between him and the dog, the early mornings are slowly killing me I’m sure. I am a person who needs a lot of sleep. But in 15 months I’ve had to cope without a lot, I should be used to it but I’m not. If I’m being honest it’s the one thing about being a mum that I really hate.
I’ve tried leaving him to it, which sometimes works to about 6am. Occasionally 6.30. But then the dogs starts screaming cos she’s a dick and that’s it, no one (except Pete 😒) is going back to sleep. If he’s properly crying, I’m not going to leave him to do so. Not my style, good on you if you can do that but I think that’s more damaging than me shouty swearing about getting up early.
I’m not the only parent to have a kid that wakes up early. At all. But because I’m from a family of “good sleepers”, apparently it’s my doing. I don’t mean to direct this at any one of you, but please think about what you’re saying and maybe just say it behind my back. Or not at all. That’d be nice. He wakes up early, I’m tired, that’s it. It’s no ones fault, it’s just how he is.
I just wish CBeebies started earlier to be honest. Waking up before CBeebies is possibly the most depressing part of it.
I started writing this post months and months ago and shelved it cos I felt a bit nervous about addressing it but I’m in a “sod it” mood so here we go!!
Seriously. It’s ridiculous how expensive they are. I really don’t think I buy unnecessary stuff either! It’s rare that I buy him stuff that he doesn’t use or wear. Except a stupidly expensive chewy blanket thing. He hates it and I keep forcing it on him. And the Tsum Tsums but they are clearly for me anyway! He doesn’t care about Baymax, Stitch, Yoda and R2D2!
The expense becomes evident from the minute you take a pregnancy test as you need a pay day loan just to buy a couple. I exaggerate obviously but they are crazy expensive and I’m sure they don’t need to be.
The most annoying thing for me is how the same items in the same shop are often priced differently if they are in the baby aisle compared to the other aisles. This really pisses me off. The 2 worst culprits of this that I’ve noticed are cotton buds and little packs of raisins. I bought the latter in one shop for about £1 for 12 of the small packs, on the baby aisle they were nearly £3. That’s actually disgraceful and should be illegal.
I think the hindsight of having a nearly 15 month old and the fact I am sorting through everything to move has made me realise what was worth the money and what was a total rip off. I may do a post all of its own on that but Pete will read it and see how much money I wasted 🙈
As an avid follower of Lily Allen, I’ve long been aware of people trolling. I said to Pete the other day that she’s basically me if I were famous cos I wouldn’t give a shit either and then would get into all sorts of arguments defending myself to morons.
I must say though, when I used to use a wedding forum back in the day, trolling was not as vicious as it is now. Usually a bored someone who wanted to be part of something or fancied stirring up a bit of shit and then disappearing. I always remember the phrase “don’t feed the troll” and my little online posse used to type “trip trap” to let it known that we suspected a troll. We were cool. I hope some of them read this, hi ladies!!
I follow quite a lot of people on YouTube (the YouTube 😂) and with some of them, I have watched so many videos that I feel fully invested into their lives and I feel genuinely angered by people trolling them and saying such hideous things!! One was accused of being racist for merely saying she didn’t like Notting Hill Carnival. I mean seriously. And then her husband took the piss and it continued and escalated. But his response was comedy gold. And for me, it highlighted the ridiculousness of the trolls! That’s The Michalaks, if you aren’t familiar then check them out. I love them.
Trolls are ridiculous. And probably individually are harmless such as our wedding forum ones. But it’s the other people who jump on the bandwagon and turn it more sinister and sick. The fucking keyboard warriors. See Lily Allen’s URL Badman for the perfect description.
What I don’t get with the whole thing is that you have a choice to watch these people’s videos, follow their Twitter and Instagram etc. It is a choice. Why would anyone choose to follow someone they hate that much? That’s what is totally alien to me. If I hate someone, seeing their posts indirectly boils my piss so I wouldn’t choose to follow them to irritate myself on a daily basis!!
I think with YouTube and reality tv culture and celebrity itself is that people forget that behind everything else, these people are real people. With real feelings and lives. No matter whether it’s a Mummy blogger with 100 followers or a Kardashian, no one deserves the shit these people dish out.
I see the argument of “well they put themselves out there, they deserve it”. Nope. Nope. That’s getting to the same thread of idea that rape victims insight the hideous crime they’ve been subjected to. It’s a bullshit reason and no excuse. We live in a world of oversharing and visibility on all levels, it’s amazing in so many ways. I think perhaps people should remember what they were taught at 3 years old-if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.
Rant over. I’m just so over bullshit nastiness for no reason.
So after 14 months, I feel able to discuss breastfeeding in a rational manner without bursting into tears. I think. I appreciate that I have a very beautiful, healthy and happy little boy but I do still feel guilty and to be honest like a bit of a failure that I was unable to breastfeed Frankie for more than a couple of weeks. Even though the decision was taken away from me by my body letting me down. I can’t help feel like that and no amount of being told otherwise does any good.
I wanted to write this post as I see more and more celebs and women in general posting their #normalisebreastfeeding pictures which of course is great and lovely but I can’t help but always find it a bit smug. That may just be me but I still think that those Momma’s who have chosen not to breastfeed or have been unable to are more open to comments being passed on their “choice”.
I guess I haven’t yet found anyone else either famous or in real life who I can identify with or has had a similar experience to me. Certainly lots of people had one or two of my issues but not all of them. I also desperately wanted to breastfeed and had not even considered formula feeding as I couldn’t see any reason why I wouldn’t be able to.
My issue now comes what to do if we are lucky enough to have another baby (not yet, Pete are you reading this? Not just yet!) As I would very much like to breastfeed and I have seen lots of mums who were unsuccessful the first time to go on and have a great breastfeeding experience the second time round. But won’t that make my guilt over Frankie even worse?! Like I was giving his sibling something he didn’t get.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m not really over this issue and maybe I just won’t know until the time comes. I just don’t think I could be blasé about it as much as I’d like to and say “I’ll try and if it doesn’t work then so be it”. It should be the most natural thing in the world and to those that struggle, that fact makes it all the more painful.
That probably sounds like we are hobos, we aren’t. But we are getting a new house. Properly new, brand spanking. And prior to this after leaving home I lived with my ex in his house which I never felt was my home, even though I was there for 6 years; I then moved back home before going to London (more on that in a mo); home again (my poor parents, I’m the boomerang kid); and then to the rented house we are in now which was really a means to an end. Pete lived in staff accommodation; then with a friend; then briefly with me at my parents’ house etc as I mentioned.
I have to say, even though my “home” has always been my beloved parents’ house, our little flat in London really felt like a first home to me. Mine, Pete and Moon’s home. Wow, this is harder to write than I thought, she was so always so happy there and I have the most incredible memories of that year. The flat was fully furnished but somehow it fitted me and Moon so well. It was my Sex and The City flat. I say my because Pete was hardly there and he would tell you the same. He will also tell you how much the rent was; £1500 a month for anyone wondering. Yeh, I know. I don’t think Pete has the same rose tinted memories as me about it either. But I’m keeping my version.
The house we are in now, although fucking awful, makes me feel somewhat bittersweet about leaving. I can’t wait to get away from the parking issues, the crazy guy across the road and the fucking Thursday night bell ringing but at the same time my baby boy came home here, my Moon died here. But overall I can’t wait to leave. To go to a place of our own. And Moon is with us obviously, we have her ashes in a little box, someone suggested scattering them in her favourite place, her favourite place was bed so she is staying with us in our bedroom anywhere and everywhere we go. To be scattered outside would be hell for my Maggie! She was an indoor girl. Sorry, digression there.
In 6 weeks it’ll be ready (all being well) and we have picked the paint, flooring, tiles, kitchen and it’s just so much fun and so exciting. It’s finally going to feel like we can settle a little. My feeling of living in rented properties is that you never fully settle in, you know there is ultimately going to be an end point and so you never feel like there is much point in fully doing anything.
So now I’m going to turn over a new leaf, stop living like a student and be extremely tidy and organised and house wife extraordinaire. That’s my plan. I wouldn’t put money on me if I’m honest 😂
I can hardly remember or even imagine life before Frankie. Is what I should say. I do remember. And I do miss it in many ways. I don’t feel I have to defend or justify that, it doesn’t detract from how much I love my son but my life is forever changed.
I miss being selfish. And spending hours doing my make up or watching crap on tv without interruption. Or staying in bed. Fuck all that, I just miss sleeping.
But I mainly miss nights out. I miss getting dressed up and going out with my Pete. And dancing. And we danced, and snogged on the dance floor. And ultimately, that’s how we ended up with Frankie 😊 (not on the dance floor may I add!)
I do however think that because I hadn’t had that life of going out when I was younger and started at 25, I really enjoyed every single night out. I really feel I made the most of it and as such if I were to never go out and dance again, I have the most amazing memories and know I had some of the best nights ever. With Pete.
I can’t say I don’t resent that Pete can go out still and drink and dance the night away. Cos I do. He doesn’t very often, in fact I think he’s gone out 2 or 3 times since Frankie was born. But the fact that he just can makes me jealous.
And now dancing is with a little mini Pete, to the tune of Thomas the Tank Engine. And watching his enthralled little face as he watches In The Night Garden. And you know what, that’s pretty cool too. Life just changes and adjusts in motherhood. It’s only taken me nearly 14 months to embrace it but we all get there eventually!
I’ve started writing a few posts over the last month or so and the tone has felt really negative even tho I’ve been feeling quite positive lately so not sure what that’s about.
There’s been a few big changes since I last wrote. We have bought a house!! It’s a lovely brand spanker as well so it’ll be all fresh and new and we move in a few weeks! I’m so excited. Finally a place to call our own instead of renting! I cant wait to just hang a picture on the wall or put up a shelf! It’s the little things! I think I’ll do some posts about that as it’s an experience that’s for sure!!
Due to a few changes in circumstance I’ve had to finish at my job with the charity. I was gutted as I was really enjoying it but sadly sometimes you have to make a choice that is right for your family and not just for you. I feel so grateful to them though and am in the process of organising a charity walk to try and give back a bit.
Pete is busier and busier, being a chef WAG is hard. Harder than anyone who hasn’t experienced it can ever imagine. He is basically working 7 days a week at the moment and it’s sad. He is misisng out on so much with Frankie. Maybe this is the subject for a post all of its own. I know it’s all working towards a better future for us but I’m afraid for the here and now, it’s just a bit shit. Frankie will only be this little once.
Talking of which, little dude got his first haircut!!
I don’t think I need to say anymore cos just look at him. I made that 😊 He was so good and I managed not to cry. He looks so grown up now though! And he’s wandering round even more like the baby thug he is.
I can’t even remember if I’ve mentioned the new dog. Juno, Miniature Dachshund, Massive Twat. I didn’t want to replace Moon, and she never will. She’s a bit of a dick but she’s starting to settle down a bit and make me stop hating her being in my house. Honestly, she’s been a right test!!
I think that about catches you up!! And to Nat, thank you for giving me the gentle nudge I needed. Love you lots. 😘 some friends are just so special that you know you want to keep them forever.
Apologies for the quick succession of posts after being silent for ages!! I’m all or nothing 😂
I like Valentines Day, I think it’s nice. I used to put a lot of emphasis on it, hoping that this would be the year my ex would show his love for me, cos he didn’t do it any other time of the year. In fact it was the phrase “fuck Valentines Day” that effectively gave me the push to leave him. I left 2 months later.
Now, I have Peter. Who lets me know how much he loves me all the time. And I feel so lucky everyday. Last year we had just had Little Man and so it was a bit of a blur but we were in a love bubble. Before that I was all about the gifts! I can’t lie, to finally have someone spoil me was incredible and I enjoyed being able to post a picture of my “love loot” for all the world to see and be jealous of haha!
This year, I don’t care. As long as I have my card I’m happy. And I feel like my lack of gushy post showing off my gifts actually says more this time. I think this must be contentment.
I’m sorry for being a twat again 😂 you all must hate me and Pete. He is a dick quite often I promise. And he rarely washes up 😒