I’m sure there are people thinking “get a grip, it’s just a dog” and to be honest all I can say is don’t read anymore then. I feel like everyone wants me to be ok, so I pretend I am. But I’m not. I’m so desperately sad. I miss my Moon so very much. I am on my own so much and she was the best company and the loneliness is palapable. I almost got another dog purely to try and fill the void but I’m pleased I decided against it in the end, it would have been too soon.
I feel I’m just bumbling through days and weeks. Frankie’s routine is giving me something to work to everyday and Petes days off give the week a start and end point. Otherwise I’m just going through the motions. My house is a state. I go on holiday soon and I can’t be arsed to pack. As soon as I have no baby to focus on when he’s in bed I’m just an empty shell. It’s hard to admit really but I’m just going to bed at 8 cos I can’t bear being downstairs. But I just lay in bed either numbly watching something or crying and having a little chat with Maggie. I’m sorry if that’s weird but if I can’t open up here then I don’t know where I can!
I start a new job very soon and I really can’t wait. I am looking forward to having some purpose in my days beside nappy changes and feeding times. I think this will be the start of recovery as I will feel more worthwhile in myself, like I’m not just momma or girlfriend, but Bryony again. I can’t wait to have tasks to complete.
But even this is bittersweet, my new role is home based and I can’t help but think how much Maggie would have loved having me home all the time. Everything just feels like it’s a bit dulled, the sparkle has gone from my life. She was my little treasure and I just can’t really get my head around her not being here anymore.
I’m just so very sad. I never have dealt with grief very well.