So I try not to mention this much as it seems to encourage people to post pictures thinking they are being hilarious but I suffer quite badly from coulrophobia, a fear of clowns. It is utterly irrational and I recognise that but I have no set incident that seems to have caused it, according to my mum I have always been terrified of them.
For the majority of the year I can go about my life with very little issue but come October (my otherwise favourite month of the year) I live life constantly on edge. Halloween was always enough of a worry but for the past few years this fucked up “creepy clown” hysteria of people dressing up with the sole purpose of terrifying people makes me have mini panic attacks throughout the day. I say mini as over the years I have learned to downplay it somewhat.
Last Halloween I was 7 months pregnant and went to a Halloween party whereby the party host, a close friend of mine dressed as a clown, namely the one from IT. (By the way, no I have not seen that film, why the fuck would I watch it when I’m already shit scared as it is?!) Me and Pete were at another friend’s house getting ready to go round to the party when the friend dressed as a clown burst into the room. I ran to the other side and immediately burst into tears, to his credit said friend saw my distress and left but I was in a bit of a state and knew that this was going to be a horrific evening. I was obviously very hormonal anyway and so I wasn’t sure if this was making the phobia worse. When I initially arrived at the party I walked in, saw said friend who by that point was finding it funny to put the mask on when he saw me and I thought I wasn’t going to be able to go in at all. In the end I stayed for an hour or so but it was awful. I really felt so panicked and uneasy, I was staying at my mums that night with Maggie but I didn’t sleep a wink, I was so freaked out.
I am not alone in this phobia by any means but I do feel like it is an issue and possibly getting worse. You can’t even Google coulrophobia (or other phobias) without pictures of the thing that person is scared of pops up so getting information on help is extremely difficult. I find even the word gives me anxiety and indeed writing this is quite difficult. I have spoken to someone about he phobia but apparently without an incident that caused the initial fear it is quite difficult to treat. I forced myself to sit through the episode of This Morning a few weeks ago that addressed it but got really freaked out when they kept bringing a clown on.
Anyway, what I just want to say is, I know it’s ridiculous and irrational but even if I know the person dressed up, the minute that mask is on I feel like it’s not them anymore. You may think it’s funny to show me pictures to see how I react but that will give me nightmares for a good few nights. I instantly become a child again. Pete and I encountered a clown street performer in London once and I ran off. I don’t want to pass this onto Frankie cos it’s quite frankly embarrassing and ridiculous.
The news at the minute is horrible. I’m trying to be a grown up and not immediately turn it off but have to check all the rooms in my house before it gets dark. Fuck knows what I’d actually do if I encountered one. Shit my pants and cry I think.