Have I changed? 

I have found writing really difficult since Maggie died, I’ve been doing ok in my everyday life but anything I have written has been a bit glum and shit (case in point my last post, soz.) I think my sadness is manifesting itself in my writing cos I’m trying so hard to keep it together IRL. Thanks for bearing with me! 

So obviously a lot of changes have taken place in the last 8 months. But I didn’t expect for some of my long term friendships to change like they have. I have lost friends, best friends. And it’s been hard to deal with on top of everything else. And I don’t know if it’s me or them that has been the cause really. Have I changed? I don’t think I have changed in my core, the same ridiculousness is there but perhaps less often I am “me” still. I dunno, maybe ask Pete. 
I do feel less tolerant of arsehole behaviour and bullshit. So maybe that’s it. I genuinely don’t know if I backed off first or if they did and to be honest I’m not sure it matters. I have found that being a mum is lonely, I’m not the first to say it by far but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

I have a few core friends who I don’t see often but talk to a lot and when we do see each other it’s no issue that we’ve been apart. But my very close friends were my workmates and I guess when I went on maternity leave it became a case of out of sight out of mind and that was hard. I felt very abandoned at a time when I was so low and really needed my friends. 

The final straw for me was when I lost Maggie and there were a few who didn’t bother to get in touch or say anything even tho they were happy to discuss it with other people. That is inexcusable and caused a Facebook cull, I’m not proud of it but I can tell you I felt a whole lot better afterwards. 

I think I maybe have changed in that my priorities have changed. It used to be work, work, Pete and partying. Now it’s Frankie, Pete and remembering to shower. The last one is a joke, not once have I forgotten to clean myself. Yet. But I am a good friend, if you’re in my gang, I am ride or die. But if you fuck me off, that’s it, I’m done. I feel like it’s a change for the better tho, I don’t want negativity and fake friends around my little boy, if you want to a part of our lives then you are most welcome, but if not then it’s your loss cos we are pretty awesome. 

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