Monday 5th September 2016. The worst day of my life. I lost my furry little soulmate in the most sudden way. I didn’t know whether to write about it but it helped me with the PND so I’ll give it a go to try and ease this agonising heartache. Words cannot express how much that little dog means to me. I suppose that should be meant now, I just can’t make any sense of it all, my heart is broken.
Everything was fine, she was perfectly normal, but she just had a fit at about 11am. She came round and was fine after about a minute but I took her to the vet to be safe at 12.45. Her vitals were fine and she seemed back to normal. When I got home at about 1.20pm she had another fit and then carried on fitting every 10 minutes. I got her back to the vets at about 2.15 and they kept her there. They said they managed to stop the seizures but it took longer than usual but that I could go get her later in the day. I got a false sense of hope completely and when I went to collect her at 6.15pm they said she had started fitting again about 20 minutes earlier and that they couldn’t stop them and so she would never come round again and that the kindest thing to do was to put her to sleep. I had feared the worst from the second fit but hearing it when I thought I was taking her home was a physical agony I can’t describe. She was put to sleep in my arms and she seemed to come round a little and looked at me so she knew I was there. She didn’t suffer or feel any pain which is a comfort.
I’m just broken. I’m so grateful for my little man who is a great distraction but the house is so empty without her. I never expected her to be taken from me so soon, she was only 6, she was supposed to live forever. Life is so cruel sometimes. I hate that she no longer helps Frankie with his food. That she won’t run upstairs and then have to be carried down cos she was too small to come down on her own. That she will no longer always be on Pete’s side of the bed when he got home from work and grumble at him when he moved her over. That she won’t go mental at the sound of anything going past the house. But mostly I just hate that she’s not there, my little shadow. Following me anywhere and everywhere. I’d give anything to hear the unmistakeable pitter patter of those tiny feet and that irritating reverse sneezing noise. I just don’t know how to get past the pain although I know I’ll just learn to live with it.
I’m so sad that Frankie won’t be able to moan about how his rubbish dog doesn’t go for walks like his friends “normal” dogs. He won’t remember her, she’ll just be a story he gets told. And he will be told, for a dog who weighed 4lb, her impact was ginormous. She was such a grumpy little turd but anyone who met her couldn’t help but fall in love a little bit with her insolence. I’d give anything to erase yesterday and find it was all a really bad dream. This new reality is shit.
To my Moon, thank you for being the most wonderful being on the planet. I could not have asked for a better friend, confidante and cuddle monster. You are totally irreplaceable and my life will forever be a little bit empty without you. You were everything I ever needed and my life was better for having you in it. I hope you were as happy as you always seemed. Thank you for the butterfly. Sleep tight my angel.