I treat this blog a bit like a diary and as such I don’t tend to go back and read my previous posts as some of them a bit hard to read. I guess I am guilty of disassociating the me with mental health issues with “the real me”. Which is stupid really, it’s all me. But I am a person who was totally dismissive of mental health problems before I suffered from them. I simply didn’t believe in depression.
I really think that disassociating has really helped me move through the PND. If I could keep that side of me confined to this blog then I could get on with life. And to be honest just writing stuff down and getting it off my chest has been so cathartic. Once it’s out of my head then that’s it, which is why going back to read some posts is quite hard. It’s been lovely to have people say “yep, felt that” or “you’re not alone, but no one ever talks about it” just to know that there are lots of other women who have gone through the same thing.
I am nowhere near back to being fully “normal” or as close that as I was before 😜 but I am certainly on a good path now. Life doesn’t seem so black anymore. I’m still majorly fucked up about the breastfeeding which I don’t really know how to move forward with. I can’t seem to move past the crippling guilt and also the resentment I feel towards breastfeeding mums.
I’ll try and be a bit brighter on my next post cos this is a bit bleak isn’t it! Sorry!
On a side note, Frankie is going through a 6 month regression thing and is waking up in the night for a feed AND getting up at 5. He’s such a shouty little bugger as well!! What a nob!!! If it wasn’t for that gummy little smile that has 2 tiny silly teeth I would lose the plot but the little sod is proper cute 😒