Honesty, of the brutal kind. 

I know it may be a great English custom to never answer honestly to “how are you?” but unfortunately one of the side effects of my PND has seemed to be that I cannot simply say “yeh I’m fine thanks”. At its worst I genuinely couldn’t manage to lie to that extent as I was so far from fine I couldn’t remember what being fine felt like. I didn’t answer this way in the hopes of someone asking me to elaborate which in the good old English tradition, they didn’t and if anyone did I refrained from doing so. I just was so not ok that I could not answer in a way that implied I was. I knew it made people uncomfortable and I’m sorry to those people I saw physically prickle at me not just answering politely.  

This brutal honesty is something that has always been one of my personality traits/flaws; I will always tell you the truth if you ask me how you look. And I’m sorry if “you look like shit” wasn’t what you wanted to hear. Most people stop asking… Pregnancy and having a baby have certainly amplified this trait and where I used to be diplomatic where possible with responses, now I fear I just come off as rude. Sorry about that. I actually can’t help it. 

That I am like this also makes any accusation of dishonesty really hit me hard. This recently happened and it totally knocked me for six, previously I would have said a few choice words culminating in what sounds like duck and boff. Now though I was so deeply hurt and offended and I’m not sure if the friendships that were damaged in the process will ever be repaired. I am not one to mince my words and I wouldn’t say anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face and so to have longtime friends think of me as dishonest hurt in a way that was akin to having my heart broken. 

Anyway, I guess the truth hurts and perhaps I have hurt people’s feelings in the past and mine being severely hurt at the lowest point of my life was perhaps karma. Either way, I am now trying the old “if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all” adage which makes me seem a little odd when I remain silent to people but it’s better than having my words twisted! 

This turned a bit more ranty than expected, anyone who reads this though has probably come to expect that of me!!! This is my outlet now! 

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