I changed my mind. 

When I was pregnant and after I had Frankie on 9th February I planned to go back to work on a part time basis in the same role of Business Development Manager at a fine dining restaurant from 1st June. This was my plan, I knew I wanted to return to work, a lot of people told me that it would be too soon but I knew myself and knew I’d want to return to work ASAP. Which I did initially, but I was allowing myself to focus on going back to work and getting the old me back rather than dealing with the PND properly. My job was quite stressful but not in a bad way, I loved the fact that everyday was different and I relished the responsibility given to me. It was hard to know where the restaurant ended and I began, I was that ingratiated. 

A few weeks prior to my scheduled return to work I opted to remain on maternity leave until the paid 39 weeks ends in October. I have since made the decision to not return which was so hard. I loved my job, adored my workmates and lived and breathed the company and as such the decision was akin to leaving my husband; I say this with sincerity. I do not wish to publicly go into the details of my decision to leave; I will forever treasure my 8 years and be continually grateful for the friendship, personal endeavours and professional achievements and wish everyone the very best for the future. It is a just a future I no longer feel I can be part of. 

I would like to say the title of the post is as simple as that but the truth is I don’t think I did just change my mind. I feel physically unable to fathom being back in my old job and I think a lot of that is because I am not the same person right now. I am not the strong, confident and capable person I was when I went on maternity leave and I would not be fulfilling my job role being the person I am now. Perhaps I could have waited to see how I was in October but to be honest for a small company I think it would have been a piss take for me to be away for so long and expect to waltz back into my old role. 

So rather than I changed my mind, I think my mind changed me. For now. I’ll be back. And I’ll go and do another job and hopefully do as great a job as I did at my beloved restaurant. Hopefully. 

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