Yesterday was mine and Pete’s day together. Generally when little man has gone to bed we have a few drinks and watch a film or something along those lines. Last night, cos telly was shite we decided to play a game and thought a Mr and Mrs type game would be a good idea (I vetoed the strip part of it that Pete wanted, although without a baby to look after a drinking version would have been fun. And lethal.) and so we googled a load of questions. The questions varied from quite basic and light hearted to quite in depth depending on which site we chose. We spent a good few hours asking and answering questions and having a pretty good giggle.
It’s only now that I realise that the main thing coming through was how much Pete thought of me before my PND issues and how he doesn’t feel I’m quite the same person. This makes me so sad. I don’t thing I ever really took into account how my mental state affects him too. I personally find depression a very self centred “illness” and as such perhaps this is some sort of breakthrough. But when your boyfriend answers a question of “describe your other half in 3 words” and he answers with “well before I would have said strong, independent and cool but now I’m not sure I could use those words” it is a bit devastating.
It also highlights my worst fear, what if I’m never “me” again? I guess I need to know that I’ll be myself again one day, not just for myself but for the sake of my relationship. And also I want to be Frankie’s cool mum, not the pathetic turd I’ve become. I don’t think he realised how much it affected me and he didn’t mean it in any other way than we were being totally honest with one another. I think it’s been a wake up call to check myself a bit more.
I’m sorry this is a bit of a downer but I really feel my blinkers are off a bit and perhaps I’m on a bit more of the road to getting better.