Do They Know It’s Christmastime At All?

Another song title, you are welcome.

So, it’s Christmastime. I bloody love Christmas. I feel like this is my first proper one with Frankie, I was still a bit mental last year and genuinely can’t remember much about it but luckily he had no idea so no harm done. Hopefully. But this year he has a bit of awareness and loves the tree and lights and our matching jumpers. Honestly, loved it haha!

I’ve noticed this year, more than ever, how much pressure people put themselves under to get the best gifts for their kids and I’ve surprised myself a bit by being of the mindset that I’m not going to buy him a load of “stuff” just for the sake of it. We have gotten him a wooden train set because he loves trains and I know he will play with it lots and we’ve asked family to buy him some Thomas The Tank Engine trains to go on it. He’s also had a new bauble and will be getting some new Xmas even pyjamas but I feel that’s plenty. His train set was expensive and quite frankly we can’t afford much else this year. I hope that next year and beyond I can get away with being as sensible about it because I don’t think Christmas is about overspending on pointless things, it’s about family. And food.

I also don’t believe in the Elf on the Shelf thing. I feel that Christmas is a magical time of year, still as an adult I feel that way. But I don’t think kids need excessive deception in order to create that magic, I think I feel too strongly about this and I am of the opinion that each to their own but I just worry if we go too far with “creating” the magic rather than just allowing it to be, when they inevitably find out or realise the truth, that their memories may be tainted. I haven’t met anyone else who shares this opinion yet, but I feel it all the same! I also don’t want to use it as a disciplinary tool or “threat” because what about the rest of the year?

Anyway, just my thoughts. Ultimately, let’s just eat, drink and be merry and don’t feel that you need to spend a fortune to give your kids an incredible Christmas.

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Big Weddings.

Don’t get too excited, I’m just thinking out loud. Pete and I aren’t engaged, and we probably won’t do the whole engagement thing but instead just go get married at some point. And when we do it’ll be a very small and intimate affair with just close family and a couple of friends. Some of you may know I was married before and that’s how I always wanted it but ended up with what I consider a “big wedding” even tho it was a bit non traditional in a lot of ways.

It’s got me to thinking, whilst I love being a guest at a big wedding and I used to plan them as part of my job, it just doesn’t appeal to me personally. That doesn’t mean I don’t look at people who have these huge extravagant weddings with all the trimmings and think how amazing that is for them but I don’t envy them. I just would struggle to justify the cost for one day!

I know to a lot of people it’s really important to have the perfect day but I know however I marry Pete it will be perfect. And I don’t want that to sound condescending like “we only care about the marriage so we don’t need all that stuff” cos no matter how you do it you end up married but for us that’s all we really give a shit about. If we could afford a huge fancy affair perhaps we would think differently but to be honest I doubt it. We’d maybe just choose dinner in a better restaurant. And stay at Claridges. And have Louboutins.

I sounds like we’re planning a wedding, we’re not, just planning to plan really. Anyway. Musings on a Saturday morning whilst the baby naps!!

More guilt. 

Why is this parenting lark all about the guilt?!

Pete and I never wanted Frankie to be an only child, that wasn’t an option for us. But now that we are “trying” for Baby Garlick Volume 2, I suddenly feel so guilty that I am going to be changing Frankie’s life irrevocably.

We have so much fun together. And I envision that only increasing but I don’t want him to ever feel anything but completely loved by us. To be honest I’m hoping by a slightly smaller age gap that he will soon not remember life on his own. There are 4 years between my brother and I and despite us being very close and getting on well (most of the time!) I distinctly remember him telling me once that I ruined his life when I came along. I was only 3 or 4 but it’s really stayed with me and I would hate for Frankie to feel that way. I would like to add that I have a brilliant relationship with my brother and always have had but I still remember him saying it and I felt bad that he felt that way.

Of course Baby 2 will never know what it’s like to be the only child and of course as a second child, that’s my thought process. I am probably overthinking it, I just see so much advice of how to play the situation and what not to do and it makes my head spin! I’m doing ok doing my own thing with my dude so I’m sure we’ll be alright!

Realising how bad I was. 

There have been a few things happen over the last few weeks that have made me realise just how bad my PND was at its worst. 

Pete’s sister recently had a baby girl and she’s been asking my advice on stuff and I really can’t remember the majority of those early days. I can remember a few key points but sadly I can’t remember much at all. It’s a void. 

I also thought I’d rewatch the Stranger Things series ahead of the new season starting next week and I think that really shows how numb I was. I am a wimp, I get scared at the most pathetic things (as per previous posts…) and I watched that all in about 3 days with little bother. Rewatching it now I’m basically having mild palpitations. As such, I had to save the last 3 episodes under the guise that I wanted to “introduce” Pete to it, when really I just needed my superhero to look after me. What a loser. 

Anyway, just thought I’d share that as a PND update cos I’ve not bummed everyone out with that in a while! 

Also, update on the clown shiz, there’s been no crazy bastards dressing up as them and scaring people this year which is good. And the new Audi advert is terrifying, but I impressed Pete by watching it even though there were tears streaming down my face but that’s progress!!!! 

It’s a little bit funny. 

I do like using song lyrics in my titles. I’m sad like that. 

I was just thinking that I care so much about making sure that Frankie has a full and busy day or at the least a full and busy week to ensure he grows up a well rounded human. But I had a realisation today that my need to create memories on a daily basis won’t matter to him. He won’t remember. And I cried at the realisation. 

My special little dude and I have such amazing times together and he won’t remember. He won’t remember me throwing myself over the sofa during a highly inappropriate shooting game just to make him belly laugh. He won’t remember our beautiful cuddles watching In The Night Garden. 

It makes me really sad that possibly one of the most special times of my life won’t be remembered by the person who has made it so special. Teaching this little boy life skills makes me so proud. Every new word and skill fills me with more pride than I could ever feel for myself. He’s amazing. And I suppose that’s what gets you through that, knowing that as they grow, their manners and personality traits are down to these special moments. 

Wow. Sorry to bum you all out with my obvious realisations. I’m a bit slow. 

Another month gone. 

This isn’t our month either. I’ve order some ovulation sticks to see if I can find out what’s going on cos my cycles are quite short and I think I need to start finding out what’s happening. I’m quite “in tune” with my body and any slight hormonal change or imbalance affects me hugely. 

I know it’s only early but every month that goes by I feel so deflated and a little defeated. I can’t help but feel those old feelings of my body failing me coming back. As much as I try and remain positive I can’t help but worry that I’ve been left with some problems following my birth with Frankie. I’ll know a bit more once I start testing for ovulation and then I can go from there. 

In the meantime I will just relish Frankie’s new found manners and continue to melt everytime he presents me with chocolate saying “pwease” 😍 I’m so lucky to have him. 

Facing my fears. 

After becoming increasingly consumed by my caulrophobia I’ve decided enough is enough. I need to sort myself out. It doesn’t outwardly affect me day to day but I would say there isn’t many days that go by that I don’t freak myself out a little either subconsciously or by something on TV that triggers it. 

With the rerelease of IT and Halloween on its way the panic has been pretty constant for the last month or two and it actually makes me hate myself a bit. It’s such a ridiculous phobia 😩 and I want to at least bring some sense of rationality back. 
I’ve emailed a couple of hypnotherapists, which was a really big step for me to do and haven’t received any response which made me really annoyed. Perhaps my phobia isn’t “good” enough for them. So I have done a bit of research and the help process seems to be exposure. Gradual exposure that increases until the fear element is reduced. To be honest just reading that at first gave me a panic attack but after a few weeks I’ve decided to at least try. 

I just don’t want to have a meltdown in front of Frankie if the situation arises. I tend to run if I see a clown (took a lot to write that, I’ve been avoiding it up to then…) and I simply cannot do that anymore with my little boy with me. I also don’t want to pass my phobia on inadvertently so I would at the very least like it under control to be indifferent or just able to walk by taking deep breaths. 

So my initial plan is to start with my good buddy Wikipedia, I plan to read the pages on IT, from the novel, up to the most recent film. From there I plan to read up on the history and origin of clowns. This may sound odd to some people but as the old saying goes, knowledge is power and I feel the more I know, the more rational I can be about it. That’s the plan anyway. 

Today, I took the step to read the novel page. And I’m ok. It was ok. I’ve set myself some rules, no reading anything before bedtime, make sure there is distraction around. And if I get freaked out, just close it down, do some breathing exercises and try again another day. I’m not going to pressure it but I want to move forward as quickly as I feel comfortable to. 

I don’t think I’ll ever want to actually watch the film. Although everything suggests I probably should although it’s not just that clown that scares me, in fact that’s just one manifestation, I’m scared of all clowns. I just feel that starting with reading about that particular clown is a “safe” place to start in that I am aware of it. After the reading, I think I’ll see how I feel and watch comfortable films/programmes that happen to have an appearance from a clown that I usually cover my eyes or fast forward. 

Anyway, that’s what I’m doing. Wish me luck. I will keep you posted. If you never hear from me again, I encountered a clown and it killed me and I was right all along. Lol. 

Oversharing. 

I have garnered some real life criticism for oversharing online. Which is fine, I fully appreciate that my parents don’t understand the need to tell anyone about what’s going on in their lives. And that other people choose to only promote the good. But for me, writing about what’s happening gets it out of my head and allows me to function better. Yes I could just keep a diary but I feel a blog makes me a bit more accountable. 

I’ve always been an oversharer. I’ve never been one to shy away from a question and I’m too honest for my own good. So if you’re one of the people who has thought “I didn’t want to know that” then perhaps you shouldn’t be reading this blog, cos it will get worse! I promise! Haha! 

Try, try again. 

God I’m naive. I assumed cos we got pregnant so easily with Frankie that once we decided we were gonna make him a sibling it would happen straight away. Obviously it didn’t and I spent the first month being a mentalist testing stupidly early and feeling more and more horrendous with each inevitable negative result. It didn’t help that my period decided to show up 2 days late as if to get my hopes up and then be a little red bitch. Since then I’ve tried to be a bit  more patient and actually didn’t even test this month. Yay, go me. Lol! Patience is a virtue and all that. 

Anyway. Dust myself off, gain a bit of sense back and try again this month!! I don’t want to be obsessive so I’m gonna just “try” not to think about it until after my period is due.  If you want to place bets against me you’d get pretty good odds, I’m beyond the realms of impatient. 

It’s weird, I so want a little buddy for Frankie. More than I want to go through the newborn stage again, I want him to have a lifelong pal which is why we want this age gap. Although now the irrational part of me is wishing we’d started trying sooner! But we had to be ready. 

This isn’t something that you talk about openly with people so I feel that by writing about it it will ease my obsession a little. Isn’t it weird, we spend most of our sexually active (what a cringey term) life trying not to get pregnant and then when you actually want it to happen it’s not as easy as you thought!! Frankie was the result of a lot of Jagermeister and dancing till dawn, maybe we should try that again…?

One year on. 

This is a tough week. Month. It’s one year today since my beautiful little Moon was taken far too soon. The picture used was taken a year ago on the day I write this and it seriously hurts my heart. 

Day to day I’m fine, I have her pictures up and for the most part I’m ok but when I actually think about it properly and allow myself to acknowledge how much I miss that little dog and how permanent that Moon shaped void is. Frankie says “night Moon” (we’ll sort of says that) and waves at her picture before bed, its both heart melting and heart breaking. 

This won’t be very long, I could go on and on but I couldn’t let this day go by without commemorating my furry first born. And she always will be that to me. I genuinely don’t care what anyone else thinks about how much I love(d) my dog, whichever tense you want to use, that little angel was a huge chapter of my life and kept me going through some very dark times. And I miss her, every single day.