After becoming increasingly consumed by my caulrophobia I’ve decided enough is enough. I need to sort myself out. It doesn’t outwardly affect me day to day but I would say there isn’t many days that go by that I don’t freak myself out a little either subconsciously or by something on TV that triggers it.
With the rerelease of IT and Halloween on its way the panic has been pretty constant for the last month or two and it actually makes me hate myself a bit. It’s such a ridiculous phobia 😩 and I want to at least bring some sense of rationality back.
I’ve emailed a couple of hypnotherapists, which was a really big step for me to do and haven’t received any response which made me really annoyed. Perhaps my phobia isn’t “good” enough for them. So I have done a bit of research and the help process seems to be exposure. Gradual exposure that increases until the fear element is reduced. To be honest just reading that at first gave me a panic attack but after a few weeks I’ve decided to at least try.
I just don’t want to have a meltdown in front of Frankie if the situation arises. I tend to run if I see a clown (took a lot to write that, I’ve been avoiding it up to then…) and I simply cannot do that anymore with my little boy with me. I also don’t want to pass my phobia on inadvertently so I would at the very least like it under control to be indifferent or just able to walk by taking deep breaths.
So my initial plan is to start with my good buddy Wikipedia, I plan to read the pages on IT, from the novel, up to the most recent film. From there I plan to read up on the history and origin of clowns. This may sound odd to some people but as the old saying goes, knowledge is power and I feel the more I know, the more rational I can be about it. That’s the plan anyway.
Today, I took the step to read the novel page. And I’m ok. It was ok. I’ve set myself some rules, no reading anything before bedtime, make sure there is distraction around. And if I get freaked out, just close it down, do some breathing exercises and try again another day. I’m not going to pressure it but I want to move forward as quickly as I feel comfortable to.
I don’t think I’ll ever want to actually watch the film. Although everything suggests I probably should although it’s not just that clown that scares me, in fact that’s just one manifestation, I’m scared of all clowns. I just feel that starting with reading about that particular clown is a “safe” place to start in that I am aware of it. After the reading, I think I’ll see how I feel and watch comfortable films/programmes that happen to have an appearance from a clown that I usually cover my eyes or fast forward.
Anyway, that’s what I’m doing. Wish me luck. I will keep you posted. If you never hear from me again, I encountered a clown and it killed me and I was right all along. Lol.